Saturday, September 14

A Friend Who Explains It Perfectly

This picture has nothing to do with the post, its just us. It is from Cars Land in California Adventure

It is always nice to hear what other people are going through and to know, exactly, what they are saying. It helps to feel loved, understood, and helps me be more empathetic. Not that I wish my trials on other people, for real that would be just straight up terrible, but it is a comfort to have a friend in the same boat.

This seems to be a very common thing, as of late, or maybe since I am in the thick and thin of it I pick up on it more. Either way, this is only meant to help others feel loved, if going through the same thing, while also expressing my deepest and truest emotions [although it is through the writings of a dear friend, Kiri Jensen-- to read her entire blog post click here]. It is amazing how well she has captivated Kasey and my emotions... literally to a T. I read this portion of her blog that I am posting below and he just kept saying, "That is exactly us".

So here it is, here is what she said as if it came out of my very own heart and mouth: thank you kiri

This has been THE MOST challenging trial of my life. It has been physically draining & emotionally exhausting. I have always felt like I can achieve anything I want to with hard work. This is something that has made me realize that not EVERYTHING is accomplished with just hard work. I have gone through the lowest of lows. I have feared never being able to see a positive pregnancy test, experience pregnancy, giving birth, birthdays, 1st days of school, basketball practices, blessings, baptisms, etc. I have ached as I watch how amazing my husband is with children & know that opportunity is not within at least 9 months of happening for him. I have ached as I watch friends & family experience these things. I have felt that I have lost something I have never had. I have ached as I have watched crappy moms neglect their children & ungrateful teenagers get pregnant.  I have ached as I have gotten to know others with similar situations - or gotten to know similar situations of those I already know. I have hurt for people that have struggled with this trial much longer than we have. I have hurt watching people take being able to get pregnant & have children for granted. I have hurt hearing others make comments about how hard their lives are with children/pregnancy (but have come to understand these are really hard trials for people too & worked really hard to know these comments aren't meant to hurt me & try not to let them). I have felt left behind as I watch close friends & family get pregnant & give birth in the time we have been trying. I feel left behind as I watch girls younger than me & those that have been married less time than we have get pregnant & give birth. I have been angry, I have felt like God is not listening to my prayers. I have felt alone. I have hurt when people that have children but are struggling to have more try to tell me they know what it feels like - no one knows what it feels like to not know if you will ever have even just ONE child with their own DNA & genetics unless you have struggled with infertility. Or when people who it took a few months think they know what it's like. I have ached when people have born testimony of "how blessed they are to have been given a special gift of a baby" -do I not deserve to be blessed? Knowing that I will more than likely have children one way or another does not make going through this challenge easier, but each day I feel like I am learning & growing stronger. 

She put down the every emotion I have felt in the past two and a half years. It has been a crazy time for us but we are so grateful for wonderful friends and family who make it easier. Like Kiri, we are not ones to go around broadcasting this to the world, but in certain circumstances and situations it does come up. It is an actual part of our world and a part of us and therefore has to be said at some point in a friendship. But just to update those who would like to know, we have a Dr. appointment with a specialist in October. Although we did testing about a year and a half ago, we feel further steps need to be taken.

I am grateful I was able to go to school and get my degree and I am truly grateful for where we are in life. I am a happy person, or try to be; I don't want this to make me depressed or unhappy, although somedays are harder than others. Thank you for reading this, it is very personal but like I said, it makes us who we are.

-Amber

5 comments:

  1. Love you friend!!! It is really hard!!!

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  2. Thanks for posting this Yamber. Love you XOXO

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  3. We are sorry too for all your disappointments. We also think you would (will:) make great parents! We love you!

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  4. Love you Amber! I know I haven't talked to you for such a long time, but we went through a span of two years with a similar experience. My heart aches for you :( You and your husband will be wonderful parents one day to some sweet baby. Hang in there and let me know if I can do anything for you or if you need a friend to chat with :)

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