"You are going to be a daddy" I said to him as we lay comfortably side by side on a beautiful January morning. "And you a mommy" says the Mr. It was a Friday, one never to be forgotten, and one we had been waiting on for a long time. I had known for a week, intuition I suppose, but I had been to scared to have some little stick tell me otherwise. Then in that moment, as I sat and waited for a result of some kind I was anxious, nervous, and all together thrilled as that pink little plus sign appeared before my eyes. So many wonderful adventures lay ahead with number one on the list: to be a mom. Of course there were many other things to be excited about, but nothing surpassed the ultimate excitement of us holding something so small, so pure, and so precious, knowing that it was ours. The beginning of our very own family. After waiting 13 months, and after only one dosage of Chlomed (a fertility pill), it had happened. It was here. I was going to be a mommy. It never really sunk in, but I will always remember the way it made me feel.
The next day, it happened. Something I wish would have never happened. The feelings started coming, in my back, and then in my stomach, I looked down at the tissue paper to see pink. I was shocked; I tried to continue having high hopes. I had previously read online that it was possible to have a period while you were pregnant, I stayed positive. But then it got worse and then I knew, but I had no intentions of believing. Soon, this new reality did sink in and I came to terms with it after many tearful prayers. I thought to myself "I am not going to be holding my very own precious baby in September. It is just not our time".
Growing up I always said, "Being a mother just isn't for me, but I will be the best aunt". As I look back on those words, I wonder how or why I could have said them. I vividly remember saying those words and knowing deep down that they weren't true, I knew I would be a mom. Intuition. I watched my young women's president go through the trial of not being able to have children. It must have been something I wasn't able to grasp yet because I never shed a tear over it nor did I think twice about it. Most people, who have never gone through it or are too young to understand it, simply say, "Oh that is too bad, but everything will work out". But one can never imagine the heartache month after month. I did not know that kind of heartache until I lived it. Eighteen months and counting. In the most honest of terms, it is an emotional roller coaster and at time I do lose hope. Something I know my Heavenly Father would not want me to lose. Hope. Such a powerful word. "A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen."
In March, I met a wonderful woman. One I admire and strive to be like. I told her of my struggle and continuing trial and the next time we saw each other she handed me a letter. Inside I read some of the sweetest words and most beautiful comforts. I cried. Along with those sweet words she gave me a necklace that reads, "Hope". I treasure it and I wear it daily to remind me that I will be a mother.
As Mother's day is upon us, I feel yet again, hopeless. I just knew, rather hoped, that this year I would be a mom or at least be carrying my child. As each day comes, each day goes, and I still feel heaviness upon me. Then I watched a wonderful video on Mothers. One of the last things said in this video was, "You do not have to have children of your own to be a mother. You are a mother to all those around you." Again, I cried. Hope was brought back to me once again.
I know that I will one day have the privilege of carrying the title "Momma", just has not happened yet. Everything happens for a reason. For those of you out there that are trying but have not yet become mothers, I am here to share your sorrows and pain. I understand. With that understanding also comes strength. Stay strong and know that we will be like our mothers someday.