Saturday, May 12

My Mother Story


"You are going to be a daddy" I said to him as we lay comfortably side by side on a beautiful January morning. "And you a mommy" says the Mr. It was a Friday, one never to be forgotten, and one we had been waiting on for a long time. I had known for a week, intuition I suppose, but I had been to scared to have some little stick tell me otherwise. Then in that moment, as I sat and waited for a result of some kind I was anxious, nervous, and all together thrilled as that pink little plus sign appeared before my eyes. So many wonderful adventures lay ahead with number one on the list: to be a mom. Of course there were many other things to be excited about, but nothing surpassed the ultimate excitement of us holding something so small, so pure, and so precious, knowing that it was ours. The beginning of our very own family. After waiting 13 months, and after only one dosage of Chlomed (a fertility pill), it had happened. It was here. I was going to be a mommy. It never really sunk in, but I will always remember the way it made me feel.

The next day, it happened. Something I wish would have never happened. The feelings started coming, in my back, and then in my stomach, I looked down at the tissue paper to see pink. I was shocked; I tried to continue having high hopes. I had previously read online that it was possible to have a period while you were pregnant, I stayed positive. But then it got worse and then I knew, but I had no intentions of believing. Soon, this new reality did sink in and I came to terms with it after many tearful prayers. I thought to myself "I am not going to be holding my very own precious baby in September. It is just not our time".

Growing up I always said, "Being a mother just isn't for me, but I will be the best aunt". As I look back on those words, I wonder how or why I could have said them. I vividly remember saying those words and knowing deep down that they weren't true, I knew I would be a mom. Intuition.  I watched my young women's president go through the trial of not being able to have children. It must have been something I wasn't able to grasp yet because I never shed a tear over it nor did I think twice about it. Most people, who have never gone through it or are too young to understand it, simply say, "Oh that is too bad, but everything will work out". But one can never imagine the heartache month after month. I did not know that kind of heartache until I lived it. Eighteen months and counting. In the most honest of terms, it is an emotional roller coaster and at time I do lose hope. Something I know my Heavenly Father would not want me to lose. Hope. Such a powerful word. "A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen."

In March, I met a wonderful woman. One I admire and strive to be like. I told her of my struggle and continuing trial and the next time we saw each other she handed me a letter. Inside I read some of the sweetest words and most beautiful comforts. I cried. Along with those sweet words she gave me a necklace that reads, "Hope". I treasure it and I wear it daily to remind me that I will be a mother.

As Mother's day is upon us, I feel yet again, hopeless. I just knew, rather hoped, that this year I would be a mom or at least be carrying my child. As each day comes, each day goes, and I still feel heaviness upon me. Then I watched a wonderful video on Mothers. One of the last things said in this video was, "You do not have to have children of your own to be a mother. You are a mother to all those around you." Again, I cried. Hope was brought back to me once again.

I know that I will one day have the privilege of carrying the title "Momma", just has not happened yet. Everything happens for a reason. For those of you out there that are trying but have not yet become mothers, I am here to share your sorrows and pain. I understand. With that understanding also comes strength. Stay strong and know that we will be like our mothers someday.

xoxo, Amber




8 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you posted this, Amber. It takes courage and hope to do so. I really admire your perspective and I know someday you'll get to hold a sweet little Junior. Prayers being sent your way :)

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  2. Oh my sweet Amber. Such a bittersweet post. I know without a doubt you and Mr. will have the same happiness that Kyle and I have been able to experience. After our little scare with Max I know he was put into our lives at a certain time for a reason. I know your time is near in your future. Happy Mother's Day to you my dear cause you truly are one.

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  3. Amber this post touched my heart :) Thank you for sharing and I hope you can become a mother soon too, I know you will be amazing at it. We will keep you in our prayers and know this is a difficult thing to have to go through. Love you!

    xoxo The James family (aka your cousin Jennifer James ;)

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  4. Such a sweet and honest post Amber thanks for sharing :) You and Kasey will be blessed with a little one when you least expect it don't loose hope!

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  5. amber, i wish that i didn't know how you felt, but i do. blake and i felt a while back to go against our plan of waiting. we felt very clearly that it was time to start our family. after that every baby i saw made me so excited. i think my mind is so powerful that it even gives me morning sickness at times. but each month comes and goes with no pink plus sign. my brother frequently announces incorrectly to my family that i am pregnant. and oh how it pains me that i'm not. i wasn't sure why God said go, but at the same time said no. but i do know that someday i will know. and when the day comes that we do get pregnant... well that will be the perfect time.

    happy late mothers day. you have children, they just aren't here yet.

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  6. Oh Amber. This was such a heart-breaking post to read. I hope it gives you some peace to share your feelings. This type of heartache is not one that everyone can share, and I can only share in that strong desire to be a mother. It's painful to want something so badly, see others come by it so easily, and others who don't appreciate what they have. Each of my girls are a miracle in their own unique way; they were not "easy". Please know that YES, you mother in many ways - to your spouse, your nieces/nephews, friends, etc. Your influence is felt and you are such an amazing woman. I hope you had an enjoyable mother's day. I know that Kasey was sure to make it nice for you! Please know we love and pray for your family, and look forward to the time when you will be a family of 3. We pray for you to find happiness and peace until that joyous day arrives. We love you.

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  7. So I stalk your blog every once in a while and I couldn't help but to comment this time. Just know I'm thinking of you. And that those "somedays" will turn into "todays". ;) Much love.
    Kristy

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  8. thanks for sharing ambo. we have been trying too for 17 months. no luck at all even.. not even once.
    Im sorry that happened, but there is HOPE... i agree. its just not our time.

    Love you

    Kilie

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